close off and stay still
it's easier that way
hoping not to be noticed
or chosen
can I not see
can glasses alter the vision
no
no
no Daddy can save me now
I am Daddy
unable
and
unwilling
to shirk or shrink
from what is mine
to hold
comfort
encourage
hug
love
push
boundary
reassure
give hope
help dream
even amidst the terror
of the now imaginable
never the same again
so many defining moments
crying all the way to work
but not at work
and all the way home
but not at home
anguish and anger
have the same beginning three letters
a n g
the first denied full expression
translates into the second
and pushes away
I can't allow you to see my pain
I can't allow me to see my pain
and so more alone than ever
the sadness grows
now
courage begins long within
and long before
visible acts
and so I look in front of me
and feel helpless
but then gaze beyond
and feel my feet beneath me
and my stance square
and my back straight
and my arms strong
and my thoughts determined
to make a difference
and my heart emboldened
to give whatever gifts I have
and whatever hope I can muster
connecting
touching
being touched
no one can save me and tell me it's okay
that is my task
dare I say our
to hold
comfort
encourage
hug
push
boundary
reassure
give hope
help dream
love
not just wife and children
amidst the pain and fear and grief
of the present moment
we will see our way through
we will move ourselves and help others through
we will hold hands as we travel
grateful for the legs which carry us
and the hands which connect us
and
thankful for every moment of the preciousness
of being alive
Jay Kaplan 9/20/01
